terrified

I've decided to admit it; I'm terrified of the following things:

-I might not like South Africa
-I'm not dealing with a long distance relationship well enough
-Not communicating enough
-Not knowing how to be away from leroux for more than a month
-Not getting a teaching job in a good school next year in SA
-Not even being considered for an interview
-The level of crime there is in SA
-That the amount of CRAP I see everywhere around me is going to change the person I want to be; the pollution, the crime, the lack of good internet, the shit that is in this world!
-That I'll get too use to putting paper in the trash!
-Having to get used to driving on the other side of the street
-Having to shift with my left hand
-Having to get used to driving EVERYWHERE
-That I'm not going to have a good time this holiday
-That I'm going to feel for the first time ever, like a total foreigner in another country
-That I'll end up living in Johannesburg
-That I'll fall further into losing my friends
-That I'll no longer be considered truly a Montrealer
-That I'll be figured out to be the fraud Montrealer that I am
-That I'll be discovered to be a fraud of a teacher
-That I'll stop being able to be positive enough to sustain myself
-That I won't see my family for a YEAR!
-That I'm for the first time going somewhere that is NOT of my choosing
-That I'll end up looking like a basket case in front of leroux's step-mom
-That leroux's dad thinks there's something's wrong with me
-Not knowing what to do to save myself


I'm just REALLY scared, of the whole deal...all this CHANGE...
There are positive responses and solutions and rationalizations to ALL those above statements, and they have truly been the only thing keeping me going (and don't worry, I'm going steadily, and I know what you are going to say) BUT they do not seem to fully quell my anxieties.

I'm TIRED of being scared and worried, but I rationally know that it's okay to be scared.
I want a break, but I don't want to be bored,
I want to work less, but I need to work more
I crave babies, but a child is the LAST thing I want right now...

this is me at my WORST, and I thought it would be a good place to start again on the blog, (sorry for the downer)

All in all, I'm doing alright though, ...hhehehahaha, and I'm not joking!
I actually do honestly think most of us have a huge-ass list of fears. I just feel like mine hasn't been this long for a long time.

sending love,
patey:]