dominating impatience

I met another one...a guy.
That’s right, another guy that wows me so much that I’m not only blown away by him, but I instantaneously think I’m not good enough.

I know, I know; It’s a load of crap...I just can’t help it I guess. It’s just so rare when they fit the criteria so much that they’re instantaneously on a pedestal that I set so high, I can’t see myself standing next to them.

I actually met him a month ago at his birthday party, and I noticed him right away, but I saw that he wasn’t all that interested in anything more than a good conversation about culture, language and China’s economic ego. It’s all good, it happens, life moves right along; up on facebook he goes.

A month later, we meet again at another mutual friend’s event. Still think he’s awesome, but am super realistic. He’s not interested in me, I know it.
But this time, we talk, and I mean really talk. About everything, work, siblingness, passports, family, work...he got me talking about my kids, and you know how I get when I talk about my kids....ahaha. It goes well at the resto, cause he’s looking at me attentively, in a way that makes me think, “Hmmm...he’s looking at me attentively...”.
Once we’re at the bar/club, we small talk, poke fun at an American guy that stopped and talked to us about Moscow inefficiency, and then we ended up talking about music. We instantaneously connect. We have very similar tastes in music, both calling on random artists and bands that we don’t think either person knows of but is then pleasantly surprised. It’s good. We both promise to make each other mixed cds. Subsequently in the night, we dance in a group, dance together (sort of), dance in a group again and then when I leave and go to say goodbye, he tells me something like (I don’t remember exactly what he said but something along the lines of) “We should get together sometime and talk more about music”, to which I respond a very normal “of course, for sure...’d love to” etc...

Now, what he says is supposedly important, because this man is Swedish, and as my dearest Swedish friend Aron tells me, Swedish guys ARE NOT wave makers. They do NOT make moves, do not express themselves too extravagantly, try not to stand out and are the most PC people in the world; to a fault! It is just what makes up the people. Supposedly, that simple thing that he said to me means a heck of a lot, ‘cause if a Swede suggests further interactions, it means he’s interested, and that’s a BIG step for him.
SO, to say the least, I’m freakin excited! Is it possible such an awesome guy likes me!? So I think, OK, I’ll play the game; I wait two days and write him a facebook message telling him that I’m working on his cd, and if he knows so-and-so bands so I don’t put a bunch of stuff he already knows. This is where I get confused. It’s been about a week and he hasn’t written me back. Nothing. He was supposed to be at a group dinner on Wednesday night too, and he cancels last minute.

I feel a bit like an idiot because I got myself all excited about him.
I know it doesn’t mean much; so the guy didn’t write me back. Of course Patey, he must secretly hate you! ...ugh! I hate this stuff, it’s such stupidity and a huge waste of time. I just wish the game was easier sometimes.

I finished his cd this morning. I half decided not to make it, but then woke up Saturday morning, and just felt so moved by some of the songs I heard that I needed to express that musical intencity on a cd for him. I WANTED to make that mix cd. Not just for a great guy that I think would appreciate it, but because it’s a way to give back. The stuff on this cd is sacred to me, and I’ll be damned if I let another confused guy take my will to express that love away. I burned the cd, and it’s sitting on my table until I hand it to him and he gives me his excuse about why he didn’t write back, or how he’s sorry he didn’t have a chance to make me my cd.

I just want someone I love to love me back without hesitation.
I do NOT believe it’s too much to ask.

I think he’s just lost somewhere, and eventually he’ll find his way....or I’m lost somewhere...it’s just that reconciling my patience with my impatience is fairly difficult as I have come to recognize more and more how my impatience dominates many of my motivations.